Snippets

I can hear it, and so I sit to write lyrics, its been a while a while now
Dealin w/ crap alot lately, there goes a pile
It's crowded in my brain like a parade, stretched for miles
Pretty vile no empathizing for my fragile heart

The eyes from across said "I think you're OK"
Accompanied by a smile, enough to make my day
From hard moments, a moment from my moment of torment
In an instant I become more grateful

Noise equals silence, I think better in a crowd
When you speak to me directly, sometimes, I drown it out for the noise
But the problem, I look you in your eyes and I repeat
Each word you said, I get annoyed, you asked because you're annoyed

I guess, that it's impressive to look at your reflection
Realize that you should deal with the confession
Learn a lesson
Strive to make change, choose repentance, new direction
I guess, then its impressive when you see how it's reflected

I couldn't, understand inspiration from another
I lost it, the day I was released by my mother
Felt there's no confiding in my sisters and my brothers
Prayed God bring it through, like I've seen you do many others

Thoughts by the Thousands

I'm not depressed.
I am very much alive.
I recently asked someone if they thought I was saved. "i don't know." was the response. OW! But that's OK. or is it?
I love watching movies; in theatres. matinees are best because they're cheap. It's a wiser way to spend. It includes relaxing & rest.
I like eating, I'm glad that I get to eat free at work. it saves a lot of money.
I need a new phone. I think I'm finally going to get one this week.
Those were just thoughts. Thoughts that took thirty seconds. All day long we think thoughts of things. I would guess thousands. So why do I always think about the day I might die?
I don't want to know how or when or why but I think about it.
Don't think ahead of me. Your questions are of no use right now because I'm jsut saying.
What will the next 6 months bring.
How will I pay for school, when will I get to return.
Will I get married. Will I leave a widow.
How am I going to eat if my teeth keep braking and disappearing. (what woman marries a toothless man at 25? lol)
What do people REALLy think of me. I don't care, I don't trust them.
Why can't I explain this burden.
I know not what God has instore for me. Some say great things. Ha! The fact that you say makes me want to leap in pride, and thus be crushed by God like Job, except without the double portion in the end.
What if I end up homeless. Would I be too prideful or defeated to get/seek/accept help.
I want to disappear. (true thought) but I can't. I love you too much to do it.
I don't want to be in the spotlight. Or a leader. I'd like to be invisable, naw, just less noticed. But my make-up disagrees.

hahahahahah. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of talking to you.

If you read this. Don't mention it. This ones not open for discussion. The thoughts keep going. I don't have enough space to write.

A Strange Thing, This Lonneliness.

It is, a hard but true reality of the amount of loneliness that pervades my generation. So thus, as such, I feel compelled to write here.

It is a strange thing to be known by many, only by name of course. This sense of full engagement with no participation drives me to sorrow often. It's a weird form of rejecting the very thing that one desires. I do think alot of the foundations are the same but the outworking, the response, the reactions definitely become distinct.

I've been a watchful observer for quite a few years now. I've had "friends" tell me how cool we are and how down we are and even more. In these moments I hardly take them serious. Why? you ask. It's simple really. I don't trust you. I value loyalty to a fault, yet I only seek to be such, and really don't expect it. Especially when I see some of these "friends", going out, hanging out, playing sports, collaborating, calling, texting, eating and meeting together; all, without me. But I knew this already. I don't really like cliques. I often don't voice how this feels in certain moments because I hate guilt trips or any unnecessary attention (subjectively speaking). So once I'm seen or it comes to light that it's of notice, I [finally] get an invite, or an excuse. So instead of taking that (this) invite, I'll gladly refuse. Because it's about the principle really. I'm driven to stick to myself now.

I pay attention. Really I do. I love my people. It's true. So I give it all, I sacrifice, I bend over backwards just to be around. Because I believe that there are things more important that being selfish; people need people.

So, you, yes you my..... friend. I know you. I see you. I see through you not past you. Because that smile I see when we greet may be genuine but I kept looking as you past me. I watched your face fall. No!....it's not every case but I feel you sometimes. Because I watch you, all of you. And I feel you, but you don't feel me, you don't see me. My mask is covered by a mask and a mask of masked that are coated with layers of deception. And I can only be me but sometimes I have to ask, "who am I?" or better yet. Who am I right now. But today I'm pretty sure I've already been three versions of me, characters fit for moments that I'm pretty sure I wan not faking. OH! How confusing right? Yea, I feel that way to.

That's why I think it's a strange thing. All these beautiful women before, wanting and longing to be seen, to have some attention in a crowd of blind binoculars. Even more these young men, unlearned and un-led in what to look for, how to see or how to love. The most unfortunate thing is that these young men crave attention just the same. So we do, act, and show out for the attention of somebody, especially these ladies. And I must be the worst of all, because I want them all. and knowing I don't need this burden I fight. Yes, i fight for you. Because I'd rather be alone than to woo your hearts and fail you. And I think I'm pretty good at that no matter how you praise me.

This is a sad day for the Church. Such a lonely Church. Not all of us but way too many.

It is a strange thing to be known by many, only by name of course. This sense of full engagement with no participation drives me to sorrow often. It's a weird form of rejecting the very thing that one desires. I do think alot of the foundations are the same but the outworking, the response, the reactions definitely become distinct.

I pay attention. Really I do. I love my people. It's true. So I give it all, I sacrifice, I bend over backwards just to be around. Because I believe that there are things more important that being selfish; people need people.

So, you, yes you my..... friend. I know you. I see you. I see through you not past you. And I must be the worst of all, because I want them all. And knowing I don't need this burden I fight. Yes, I fight for you. Because I'd rather be alone than to woo your hearts and fail you. And I think I'm pretty good at that no matter how you praise me.

It's a strange thing, this loneliness. I wonder how Jesus felt.

I don't understand Love

A conversation that almost turned argument got me to thinking: why can't we agree that we do not understand "Love." It really does not matter which type of love that may be because it is the essence of "love: that we truly cannot grasp. Before you get ideas about what I'm saying or how you feel, let me add some context to how my conversation with a good friend brought us both to ending it on this idea (not understanding).

This is simple, I stand  behind my point that "love is a choice." My friend says that though love "might" be a choice, love is actually more than that.

Now I could but I will not elaborate much on all that my friend said so I'll try to stick to my own argument, which will probably be sporadic, and I'm sorry if it becomes hard to follow, but I'm kinda thinking on a blank page right now. The truth is that i DO NOT understand love. try to examine with me. maybe a study will come and Ill add all my biblical references. but for now lets just - vent.

God chose to love us

God chose to create us and love us all the same

God is love but love is not God? (God shows us perfect love, we understand it through Him, so when we look at God we should see love even though we don't understand. But, because we don't fully understand love when we look at love we may not see God.)(God = love, but does love = God?)

I can choose to show you love or not to. Even if I felt like I did not chose to love you, if I do not act upon it than is it still love.

Love is not a feeling but with love comes feeling.

If you loved me then why can I chose to reject it. being that

Love is not insane or illogical and Love is not unfair. (we see love through broken lenses and
sometimes through broken hearts and hurt feelings and seemingly shattered dreams we conclude that love is or can be cruel, but if we look to things Biblical, God has been restoring and piecing together the picture as a complete thing. A perfect view that can only be understood by seeing the love of God in Christ through the Holy Spirit.)(and if God is the standard of love and has done it perfectly then love is logical and fair and very sane.)(His thought and ways are beyond ours or our understanding.)

Jesus commanded us to love, doesn't that signify that he wants us to chose to obey him and isn't loving God being obedient to him and it says that there is no fear in love because perfect love cast out fear. (so why are we afraid to love.)

We distort love and use it falsely which in reality is not love at all.

What I do know is that through Christ and the cross and the Resurrection that I came to understand just a little of what it means for God to love us, and having loved me in such a way that I should love the same, although my ability to love perfectly is not possible in this flesh.

Can unbelievers love? how about if they marry under the covenant of God, which is obedient, and never cheat or divorce? have they loved each other or even God?; even if unknowingly?

Being made in Gods image gives us the capacity to do certain things, how great may depend on whether or not you are "in him."

Originally we were made in his image and likeness. with sin we lost the likeness. in Christ we are conformed back to his likeness and able to love like he does, to some capacity. maybe?

So did God have to love us? Some say yes! others say no!
All I know is that God is in control and that He chooses what's happening and if all we know about the beginning is that God created (faring that he chose to) then all I can understand is that he also chose to love his creation; and that in every act, whether we understand or not, he continually is expressing his love which was complete in Christ. And that Is a love I do not understand. (As far as i can understand God, that is.) but as for myself, I did not use to love, i thought I had but truly had not, now I strive to truly love in a way that was only exemplified by my Lord. Choosing to to Love God and others through sacrifice and death to self for the sake of Christ name and the edification of the Body. Pointing you to the love i only know being that GOD LOVES YOU! if only you would chose to receive it and then [chose to follow], and thus love in the same.

but i don't know. If you do, I'd appreciate some help on this. or at least some thoughts. because at the end of the day I have to throw up my hand and confess. Maybe I just don't understand love. But i still think it is a choice.

To Long For

I want
       To exist around your love
Your presence is the essence of your being
                                      I Am Here
          Let Me
                              Break Into
       Your atmosphere
                                                 Just the layer
That surrounds your world
                Because your world sustains life
                                 Harbors my drifting thoughts
     Holds the inventory of the weight
I carry
            My dock for travels sake
I want
        To exist around your love

Let Us Be

Let there be you and me
Today I'll call you my lady
We can take a break and relax
Walk, hold hands and talk
I don't wish to date for doing
Let's just be together
That bottom line reality

Searching for Treasure

I wonder
I wander
Yet a pirate I am not
No desire for plunder
To survive the ordeal
Loving the adventure
You are my chosen journey.