"I" ... "I'm" ... "I" ...

I spend a lot of time alone. lol.

I have plenty of moments when I take deep breaths that come from what seems like absolutely nowhere.

I'm pretty sure they follow uncanny thoughts, emotions, visions and whatnot or whatever was there at the time.

I get the feeling of a deep hollow in my gut that strikes me with a quickened paralysis equivalent to that of panic/anxiety attacks, except that the panic and anxiety aren't present.

I wish there was a man that could actually be committed to helping me get to where I want to be in this life, to take me under the wing and train me. Not to just check up on me and sit and talk like they understand what I'm actually trying to get to. Action! You gotta be in my grill to get me to budge. But yall don't get it, you think it's part of the "being a man" stage. Well how the ---- does someone left to themselves become a man. I promise you that my whole generation feels this way. Though some of us are deceived because we are really trying on our own and just pray that God will get us there in your absence.

I don't know how to sleep well. So I only use what is sufficient to not die.

I don't eat as much because I've actually lost my appetite for life ever sense my granpa passed.

I've lately been using my margin money to do things that rich folks do; movies, shows, food, charity. The only problem is that I bear a consequence they do not. I'll end up broke and in a worse spot.

I miss my lil sister and mother worry about them often. Feel like I'm not a good enough big brother.

I'm scared I won't get back to school by the time the 2014 semester starts.

I'm wonder what I would do if I knew I was heading toward homelessness.

I met this young lady, trying to work out a day to go out, it's been almost 4yrs. (let this go tho, not open for discussion).

I want to go back to Kenya! That's what I really think about the most these days. Getting away from you all for a while. (you being entirely subjective, don't trip)

I'm tired of writing. Pray for me, if you will.

Are you trying to figure me out? (uh-un)

Call it Eerie
I enjoy staring
Watching
Stealthily going about
As if undetected
Knowing they notice but don't see
Ignoring your thoughts
I'm sure you wonder
... Just call it Eerie

Say it's Diametric
Critically thinking
Actually listening
Loyal to the core
Wanting to love
Formally understanding
No, I'm not balanced
I'm living
... Just say it's Diametric

Think of it as Elicit
Let's empathize
Loving truth and honesty
Guards and strategically placed
I love eye contact
Come close and feel these words
Trust me, I see you
My smile and hug are genuine
... Just think of it as Elicit

It'll help.

Still Grateful

I bought a vacuum Thursday; something that had been put off for far too long. Now there's carpet, carpet free from debris. Reminded me of doing chores growing up as I thought to myself, "This, I'm used to...and...Man! am I good at this." It was a most exhilarating time, I smiled as I vacuumed my room. And then did it again.

Tuesday I had a tooth pulled. I can now say that I truly understand why people hate going to the dentist. Fortunately, I don't mind so much. He pushed, pulled, yanked, broke, drilled, split the root, cleared the tooth, stitched my gums and now......The migraine in face is gone, no infection, a little soreness, yep. One less tooth, yep. But, the alternative would've been much worse. So let's have an honest moment. All my bottom back teeth(the ones used for eating) are gonna go. It's already hard eating.

I feel bad for myself (no pity and not pitiful). I should have listened to mama when she said, "Don't just keep eating junk food and candy...brush your teeth...quit smoking," and my personal favorite..."did you take your calcium pills?" Because LORD Knows! and so did mama, that growing up lactose gave me no taste for milk.

Well, now at an early, early....Early age of 25 going 26, I'm losing chompers. I guess some people were just blessed with good, strong teeth. In my case, it was just the fronts. But, I can still smile and I still smile. And you wouldn't even know it if I hadn't told you. And for that I am grateful. Good God Almighty! I am still grateful.

Behind His Eyes...pt 2

The logic of people who have hard times astounds me. In most cases I find them much wiser than those who have not faced as much (probably from the lack of having to constantly assess the decisions they've made and situations they've been in and through).

This man went back to talking about the job he worked in catering, at a time when, things were good. "You know what I don't understand?" he said "I don't get how people can have so much money and the things they do with it. Check this homie. I did this party for an 11yr old girl. Her parents bought out the whole place. Had to drop at least a hunid thou on it. They were showing pictures of all the places she had been. Israel, Australia, Africa...She had pictures with pyramids. Hawaii, Europe. All these places she done been. SHE ONLY 11. I ain't neva been out the country. Bro! I was in a tuxedo, standing at a kiddy bar, servin shirley temples, juice and soda." He leaned back and gave me that 'can you believe that sh-' ...face. and then he continues...

 "And he was Jewish. Man they have it good. Have you ever known a poor Jewish person? I mean right now today, do you know any?" And then he waited for my response. Now I don't know any poor Jewish people, not poor like I've seen or would consider poor anyway. My Bible and history knowledge would kick in at this moment filtering through all that God's people have encountered since the calling of Abraham and the beginning of Israel, ancient Israel that is. And so I just shrugged and shook, "no". Which he commenced to continue, now that my answer satisfied his train of thought.

 "... That right. Because their God's people. God said he was always gone take care of them...Man! What I wouldn't give to be one of His people. They not gonna live like this. That's crazy. And after all they done been through, can you believe it. God chose a stiff necked people to be his. To take care of and never turn his back on." WHOA! Is all I could think. Did he just really say that. What a theology of love and grace! And I'm pretty sure he didn't intend to make such a profound and plain statement, truth. But still he continued, not knowing that in the moment all my attention peeked.

 "A stiff necked people is what the Bible says. Man, they gotta good. And for some reason they got the money too. Man I wish God would bless me like that. I could do so much good with that. But that's the difference, they take care of theirs but we don't take care of ours. But that's how it should be done. If only God would bless me like that. I'd go buy a bunch of these vacant and condemned lots in our neighborhoods and start rebuildin', do somethin good for the community and give people some jobs. I'd call my peoples that are struggling and tell em, 'here's some work homie, Ima start you off at $11.50 here, so you can feed your family homie. And I'd go around and make sure to take care of my people you know..."

 At that moment my train had pulled up. I didn't want to go but I needed to get to work and was trying to figure how to end this conversation and move along without seeming disrespectful or awkward. So I nearly cut him off "I feel you brotha, I do. This is my train man." "Ah, oh, ok" he said. And as I stepped away I nodded in approval and with encouragement and patted over my heart twice.

 He returned the gesture and kept walking on. The train pulled off just as I was sitting and I half fell into my seat. I watched him approach another person as the train pulled off and all I could think to myself was "a stiff necked people."

 That whole time I hadn't mentioned one word about Jesus, even though it would seem that it was the perfect setting and opportunity for witnessing. But I don't feel bad about that, naw. God's word or plan in this man's life cannot be hindered by anyone or anything. What did happen though, is that I was able to see and hear this man very clearly. Some real life struggle, desire, and the logic behind his rationalizing. But whatever is truth or lie about his situation is really trivial in this case. The most important thing for me was that I saw a deep longing to belong to and be blessed of God. No matter how much he knew of the Bible (I do not know), but whatever it is in life he desires, deep down I know that it's a longing for a God who can give him peace. and that's what I seen, Behind His Eyes... something we all long for.

(since I've seen him three time. same story at all different times of the day or night. And whether I believe it at this point or not does not matter. I gave every time I had, simply because I hope one day he realizes that in the midst of his present situation. God has been blessing him.)