Behind His Eyes pt.1

I was on my way downtown from the house; my train stop: Kedzie-Holman. I see a man who I would call a regular. That means, regular people I see who peddle, sell loose cigarettes or choose to politely ask each and any person who might notice them, for money. I don't often bet on those who do to remember me as much as I remember them. So if he did, he acted like he didn't, which is a reasonable act, I think, at least if I had to fathom being in the same position. It's hard to be fortunate, don't you think. We who not only have Christ, but life, and are privileged with loose cash (though most of us would claim that we have none) seem to often be in a dilemma. One that is hard. Some days we empathize, some days we sympathize, some days we just simply despise these people who we may think(though not all) have chosen to get themselves in such a situation, that is, if the situation had not gotten them. But that's not the focus here.

There are sometimes things I admire about the homeless or those who don't have enough and are forced into the humble position of asking (even peddling or begging). Some have intricately crafted stories of their situation and the base root of why they need that change or dollar. Some of these folks have to lie because they don't remember or have been on drugs to long to care how they get it, but just know they need to. Some have real issues, like mental illnesses or other medical problems. Some are just in a hurry to not have to go back to where they slept the night before, because many who are on the street are often beat up, raped, pushed around, stolen from, deceived and more. Anyone who is not intrigued about these lives, i hope you will come to meet and learn more of people who fall into this category.

So this man approaches me, I recognize him. He walks up and says "hey brotha, I don't mean to waste your time, I'm going through a rough time and I know it's not your problem it's mine but..." And at that moment I cut him off, extending my hand with the three one dollar bills I had in my pocket and said, "here bruh, it's alright, I recognize you, I remember your story." "Thank you bruh." he said while I shook with approval. "Naw thank you. Man last year was ok for us until my girl got locked up. now i gotta take care of my two lil girls and i aint got enough. i work for this catering company, and last year..." he was swiping his hands as if he was filtering through dolla bills, "...during the summer, good, the money was flowing. Birthdays, weddings, bar-mitzvah and such. But in the winter, ain't enough goin on, and now I'm out here, gotta ask people for money."

But this wasn't all he said. What he said next actually shocked me.

Time Redeemed

TIME
You have played a marvelous trick, you have
From that magnificent moment God crafted you
Chose a place for you in His plan

TIME
You are a glorifying monument
A landmark, so to speak, of him as Majesty on High
For you remind me of my Lord very well

maybe it is for this  reason that I do not understand you
For you lay in his hand, just as I do

I wonder if you understand you purpose
Whether you recognize the moments as I do
Or if you too, wait with eager anticipation
For the return of the King

For this reason I judged you
The moment they sinned, did you also bear consequence?
Your eternal state is better off than those who will face his wrath
In the end you will be redeemed; unbroken and perfected

Even now you are being used under his flawless command
And my eyes have finally been opened to see you
How we rest in his hand together
Something given, something lost, something redeemed
And thus meant to be redeemed

O, what a beautiful sight!

WHAT!?

I guess this past week I've really come to appreciate eating again. Last week my wisdom tooth darn near paralyzed me to the point that I had to call and go in to the dentist. (If you know me then you realize how big of a deal that is). Well, of course, the tooth was infected and I've been taking antibiotics for the past seven day now. This tooth is getting yanked out tomorrow! And knowing that I may not be able to eat anything solid for a few days is depressing. It actually makes me want to eat more. With that I reflect: Two weeks ago Tony Evans talked about the infected tooth he had on a cruise that hindered him from enjoying his time and eating. I completely felt his pain as I shook my head chiming in with groans and amens under my breath, haha. The issue arises in the form of problems; the surface problems that we feel the affects of and the actual issues that are the root causes of our felt pain. The sermon was actually about knowing Christ and he illustrated the armor of God in such a clear and profound way...Last night I watched the movie Flight with a roommate of mine, it's a great movie. this morning I watched a matinee movie - Side Effects, also a good movie. The themes of lying and consequences and root causes and the pains that result as the symptoms are intense (If you pay attention and look close enough to see and discern). God speaks, His conviction and words come in ways that I don't always understand and so many times don't even realize. And although I'm thinking deeply and examining things of life, there is a clarity and a slight fog that is subtle and settled. Rather odd I think. Not confusing. It's like shadows that emerge from the fog slowly becoming revealing as you prematurely try to figure the object and form of what is about to emerge. That's some good imagery, right? Like in the movies, hahahaha. So whats the whole point.

Well, I'm just thinking about the pain that drives us to question the, probably already ignored conviction, root causes that makes us respond in truth and have to deal with the consequences. I want to be successful, that is, loving God, speaking truth, loving others, living well and with integrity. Right now I question what the coming days will reveal and result in. We have no idea where God is leading us sometimes and what will become of us. I struggle, I mean, really struggle. I trust God, but not you. Because you refuse to see who I am "in Christ." You judge my symptoms that come from the struggle with sin and don't understand, see, nor recognize the root of salvation in believers. You think Christians, look like, and sound like, [this]. Whatever this means? And unfortunately I began to despise the way you see life, because we're suppose to be the same and I don't understand how you got to that. Aren't you also "in Christ"? Well, then, remember, "he who has eyes to see" see, and "he who has ears to hear" listen. and maybe we'll find ourselves sitting in the same seats. or maybe next to one another. but I doubt it.....Now that's a riddle.

I Wish God Would Make More Men Like Me

I wish God would make more men like me
So every woman I meet could be loved
But, the new me
Not the old me
The kind me, not the blind me
To arrogant to see you as more than another  throphy
The letters you wrote me as more than mere openings
But the brokenness

To notice that you had wounds that needed treatment
Did I mention that I know a physician
I'll lift you
I see you; Here
Ride on my donkey, my mentor was a good Samaritan parable
he paid for you sweetheart, I
I just work for Him

Oh Lord! How I wish God would make more men like me!
So that every woman I meet could be loved
The new me, not the old me of course
The converted me
Not the perverted me
The patient me
Not the me, impatiently waiting to tame thee
To BREAK thee
Feeding sweet treats at your accomplishments to let me ride you
Right into the sunset, and then
All night upon even the sunrise
The me that, BROKE you, rode you, and after told you how great you are
Tying you to a post and moving on, but never too far
Not far enough that I can't come back to see you still tied there, broken.
Waiting for me to ride you again; needing me to; wanting me to; because you've been......broken
Thinking that now if you're not worth riding, then what are you good for then

Oh, how i wish God would make more men like me
The me that speaks
Not the me that winked
My flattering speech patterns
My smiles a nd sly eyes
Yes! I was always faded
But, I trained my responses so you couldn't detect
That I, actually, came, to rob you
Ha! I could've been a con artist
But I was never to good at faking it
I was better at making it so that I wouldn't have to take it but rather let you give it to me
The old me that is

I wish God would make more men like me
I know you don't know this me
But I often whisper "I Love You"
As you pass
Hoping you unknowingly heard me

Thinking that maybe
Just maybe, one day, when you feel alone
You'll somehow remember subconciously

I wish god would make more men like me
To forever remind you of worth
That my confidence outweigh your worry
My hug bring comfort
My smile contagiously is caught

To notice those little things that show you how special you are

I wish God would make more men like me
To see you
Know you
Love you
Help you
Encourage and lead you well
To be the kind of man that you need and have never known
At least for those of you who need to see one

the only problem is: I'm not that man, nor can I be
And God doesn't need more men like me
That's the whole point
He wants more men like Himself
Conformed into the image of His Son Jesus Christ

So I pray, God, Make more of us men like you
Because you love and always have loved every woman that has been
And you show us men, how we should be
Sacrificing ourselves
To Love you, so that you, through we, could love she

Snippets

I can hear it, and so I sit to write lyrics, its been a while a while now
Dealin w/ crap alot lately, there goes a pile
It's crowded in my brain like a parade, stretched for miles
Pretty vile no empathizing for my fragile heart

The eyes from across said "I think you're OK"
Accompanied by a smile, enough to make my day
From hard moments, a moment from my moment of torment
In an instant I become more grateful

Noise equals silence, I think better in a crowd
When you speak to me directly, sometimes, I drown it out for the noise
But the problem, I look you in your eyes and I repeat
Each word you said, I get annoyed, you asked because you're annoyed

I guess, that it's impressive to look at your reflection
Realize that you should deal with the confession
Learn a lesson
Strive to make change, choose repentance, new direction
I guess, then its impressive when you see how it's reflected

I couldn't, understand inspiration from another
I lost it, the day I was released by my mother
Felt there's no confiding in my sisters and my brothers
Prayed God bring it through, like I've seen you do many others

Thoughts by the Thousands

I'm not depressed.
I am very much alive.
I recently asked someone if they thought I was saved. "i don't know." was the response. OW! But that's OK. or is it?
I love watching movies; in theatres. matinees are best because they're cheap. It's a wiser way to spend. It includes relaxing & rest.
I like eating, I'm glad that I get to eat free at work. it saves a lot of money.
I need a new phone. I think I'm finally going to get one this week.
Those were just thoughts. Thoughts that took thirty seconds. All day long we think thoughts of things. I would guess thousands. So why do I always think about the day I might die?
I don't want to know how or when or why but I think about it.
Don't think ahead of me. Your questions are of no use right now because I'm jsut saying.
What will the next 6 months bring.
How will I pay for school, when will I get to return.
Will I get married. Will I leave a widow.
How am I going to eat if my teeth keep braking and disappearing. (what woman marries a toothless man at 25? lol)
What do people REALLy think of me. I don't care, I don't trust them.
Why can't I explain this burden.
I know not what God has instore for me. Some say great things. Ha! The fact that you say makes me want to leap in pride, and thus be crushed by God like Job, except without the double portion in the end.
What if I end up homeless. Would I be too prideful or defeated to get/seek/accept help.
I want to disappear. (true thought) but I can't. I love you too much to do it.
I don't want to be in the spotlight. Or a leader. I'd like to be invisable, naw, just less noticed. But my make-up disagrees.

hahahahahah. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of talking to you.

If you read this. Don't mention it. This ones not open for discussion. The thoughts keep going. I don't have enough space to write.

A Strange Thing, This Lonneliness.

It is, a hard but true reality of the amount of loneliness that pervades my generation. So thus, as such, I feel compelled to write here.

It is a strange thing to be known by many, only by name of course. This sense of full engagement with no participation drives me to sorrow often. It's a weird form of rejecting the very thing that one desires. I do think alot of the foundations are the same but the outworking, the response, the reactions definitely become distinct.

I've been a watchful observer for quite a few years now. I've had "friends" tell me how cool we are and how down we are and even more. In these moments I hardly take them serious. Why? you ask. It's simple really. I don't trust you. I value loyalty to a fault, yet I only seek to be such, and really don't expect it. Especially when I see some of these "friends", going out, hanging out, playing sports, collaborating, calling, texting, eating and meeting together; all, without me. But I knew this already. I don't really like cliques. I often don't voice how this feels in certain moments because I hate guilt trips or any unnecessary attention (subjectively speaking). So once I'm seen or it comes to light that it's of notice, I [finally] get an invite, or an excuse. So instead of taking that (this) invite, I'll gladly refuse. Because it's about the principle really. I'm driven to stick to myself now.

I pay attention. Really I do. I love my people. It's true. So I give it all, I sacrifice, I bend over backwards just to be around. Because I believe that there are things more important that being selfish; people need people.

So, you, yes you my..... friend. I know you. I see you. I see through you not past you. Because that smile I see when we greet may be genuine but I kept looking as you past me. I watched your face fall. No!....it's not every case but I feel you sometimes. Because I watch you, all of you. And I feel you, but you don't feel me, you don't see me. My mask is covered by a mask and a mask of masked that are coated with layers of deception. And I can only be me but sometimes I have to ask, "who am I?" or better yet. Who am I right now. But today I'm pretty sure I've already been three versions of me, characters fit for moments that I'm pretty sure I wan not faking. OH! How confusing right? Yea, I feel that way to.

That's why I think it's a strange thing. All these beautiful women before, wanting and longing to be seen, to have some attention in a crowd of blind binoculars. Even more these young men, unlearned and un-led in what to look for, how to see or how to love. The most unfortunate thing is that these young men crave attention just the same. So we do, act, and show out for the attention of somebody, especially these ladies. And I must be the worst of all, because I want them all. and knowing I don't need this burden I fight. Yes, i fight for you. Because I'd rather be alone than to woo your hearts and fail you. And I think I'm pretty good at that no matter how you praise me.

This is a sad day for the Church. Such a lonely Church. Not all of us but way too many.

It is a strange thing to be known by many, only by name of course. This sense of full engagement with no participation drives me to sorrow often. It's a weird form of rejecting the very thing that one desires. I do think alot of the foundations are the same but the outworking, the response, the reactions definitely become distinct.

I pay attention. Really I do. I love my people. It's true. So I give it all, I sacrifice, I bend over backwards just to be around. Because I believe that there are things more important that being selfish; people need people.

So, you, yes you my..... friend. I know you. I see you. I see through you not past you. And I must be the worst of all, because I want them all. And knowing I don't need this burden I fight. Yes, I fight for you. Because I'd rather be alone than to woo your hearts and fail you. And I think I'm pretty good at that no matter how you praise me.

It's a strange thing, this loneliness. I wonder how Jesus felt.

I don't understand Love

A conversation that almost turned argument got me to thinking: why can't we agree that we do not understand "Love." It really does not matter which type of love that may be because it is the essence of "love: that we truly cannot grasp. Before you get ideas about what I'm saying or how you feel, let me add some context to how my conversation with a good friend brought us both to ending it on this idea (not understanding).

This is simple, I stand  behind my point that "love is a choice." My friend says that though love "might" be a choice, love is actually more than that.

Now I could but I will not elaborate much on all that my friend said so I'll try to stick to my own argument, which will probably be sporadic, and I'm sorry if it becomes hard to follow, but I'm kinda thinking on a blank page right now. The truth is that i DO NOT understand love. try to examine with me. maybe a study will come and Ill add all my biblical references. but for now lets just - vent.

God chose to love us

God chose to create us and love us all the same

God is love but love is not God? (God shows us perfect love, we understand it through Him, so when we look at God we should see love even though we don't understand. But, because we don't fully understand love when we look at love we may not see God.)(God = love, but does love = God?)

I can choose to show you love or not to. Even if I felt like I did not chose to love you, if I do not act upon it than is it still love.

Love is not a feeling but with love comes feeling.

If you loved me then why can I chose to reject it. being that

Love is not insane or illogical and Love is not unfair. (we see love through broken lenses and
sometimes through broken hearts and hurt feelings and seemingly shattered dreams we conclude that love is or can be cruel, but if we look to things Biblical, God has been restoring and piecing together the picture as a complete thing. A perfect view that can only be understood by seeing the love of God in Christ through the Holy Spirit.)(and if God is the standard of love and has done it perfectly then love is logical and fair and very sane.)(His thought and ways are beyond ours or our understanding.)

Jesus commanded us to love, doesn't that signify that he wants us to chose to obey him and isn't loving God being obedient to him and it says that there is no fear in love because perfect love cast out fear. (so why are we afraid to love.)

We distort love and use it falsely which in reality is not love at all.

What I do know is that through Christ and the cross and the Resurrection that I came to understand just a little of what it means for God to love us, and having loved me in such a way that I should love the same, although my ability to love perfectly is not possible in this flesh.

Can unbelievers love? how about if they marry under the covenant of God, which is obedient, and never cheat or divorce? have they loved each other or even God?; even if unknowingly?

Being made in Gods image gives us the capacity to do certain things, how great may depend on whether or not you are "in him."

Originally we were made in his image and likeness. with sin we lost the likeness. in Christ we are conformed back to his likeness and able to love like he does, to some capacity. maybe?

So did God have to love us? Some say yes! others say no!
All I know is that God is in control and that He chooses what's happening and if all we know about the beginning is that God created (faring that he chose to) then all I can understand is that he also chose to love his creation; and that in every act, whether we understand or not, he continually is expressing his love which was complete in Christ. And that Is a love I do not understand. (As far as i can understand God, that is.) but as for myself, I did not use to love, i thought I had but truly had not, now I strive to truly love in a way that was only exemplified by my Lord. Choosing to to Love God and others through sacrifice and death to self for the sake of Christ name and the edification of the Body. Pointing you to the love i only know being that GOD LOVES YOU! if only you would chose to receive it and then [chose to follow], and thus love in the same.

but i don't know. If you do, I'd appreciate some help on this. or at least some thoughts. because at the end of the day I have to throw up my hand and confess. Maybe I just don't understand love. But i still think it is a choice.

To Long For

I want
       To exist around your love
Your presence is the essence of your being
                                      I Am Here
          Let Me
                              Break Into
       Your atmosphere
                                                 Just the layer
That surrounds your world
                Because your world sustains life
                                 Harbors my drifting thoughts
     Holds the inventory of the weight
I carry
            My dock for travels sake
I want
        To exist around your love

Let Us Be

Let there be you and me
Today I'll call you my lady
We can take a break and relax
Walk, hold hands and talk
I don't wish to date for doing
Let's just be together
That bottom line reality

Searching for Treasure

I wonder
I wander
Yet a pirate I am not
No desire for plunder
To survive the ordeal
Loving the adventure
You are my chosen journey.